Pardon the pun, but the word “should” is something that should never have been invented!
How many times a day do you should on yourself? Have you ever noticed? Or are you all-too-aware of that nagging, shaming, critical voice in your head saying, “I should have done this differently, I should have said this, I shouldn’t be so angry, I should be able to do this by now, I should clean the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, I shouldn’t let people treat me that way, I shouldn’t have to work that hard or that little, I should or shouldn’t______________” (fill in the blank!).
Often, this type of thinking is so automatic that you may not notice it, or maybe you just notice that the more you do it, the worse you feel and the less motivated you are. Shoulding of self often leads to a vicious cycle of procrastination, which perpetuates the shoulding.
Shoulding causes stress. Living in a world of “shoulds” can be painful and lonely. It can create separation. Not just a separation between you and others, but a separation between you and YOU – the authentic YOU. This word single-handedly negates, invalidates, and causes suffering. It often elicits a sense of shame and is often tied to a core belief that says, “I am not good enough, lovable enough, smart enough, or worthy enough, etc.”
Many people believe that they need to “should” on themselves to create motivation and accountability. I often tell clients to imagine telling a small child what they tell themselves and what they expect from themselves in the same “shoulding” tone and manner. Then I ask them to imagine how the child may feel and or how motivated that child might be after hearing those words. This process changes perspective and can create room for change.
Next, I suggest reframing the self-talk by using a phrase like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…?” or replacing BUT with AND. Using “and” in a sentence where you usually say, “but” allows two opposing truths to be present at the same time. It is validating whereas the latter can negate and invalidate.
Another way to soften a critical voice is to say something to yourself like, “I can see why I might think or feel this way, AND wouldn’t it be nice to feel inspired rather than pushing myself to do something I am not ready to do? How can I be more kind to myself? What is one small thing I can do now that will feel good?”
Decide for yourself which of these approaches feels better. If you find that “shoulding” is a problem and you want to change it, then I suggest starting with the aforementioned approach. However, If you grew up with a very critical parent, competitive sibling, or a history of any abuse, then you may have a long-term, intimate relationship with “shoulds” and with shame. In this case, I suggest seeking additional support, including other techniques to change negative core beliefs and self-talk like Hypnosis, Cognitive -Behavioral Therapy, the use of positive affirmations, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and one of my favorites, Inquiry, from The Work of Byron Katie. (https://thework.com/)
The process of using Inquiry includes four questions that you ask yourself and a turn-around statement. The questions look like this: “Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true? How do I feel when I believe this thought? Who would I be without this thought?”
Initially, this process is often best when working with someone who is trained to facilitate it. However, the website is a great place to start for guidance. There are resources provided there to guide you.
If any of this speaks to you, then I suggest noticing how a thought or belief feels. If it doesn’t feel good, then question it using Inquiry. When you do, you may realize that with the thought there is stress and without the thought there is peace. This is a process of discovery and recovery of the authentic self. It requires self-compassion and support. Just remember, you don’t ever have to do this alone, AND you can do this by changing one thought at a time!
~Namaste
